I've been working on this piece for about two weeks now, which I might add is the longest time I've ever spent creating one of my posts. You see, usually I think of something I would like to write and I just do it. It's usually easy, the words just seem to come to me in a fluent flow. Unfortunately, this post has not been as easy for me. This one has been like an empty canvass that I keep creating, perfecting, scratching out, only to start from scratch again. It's been quite a labor of love, a labor of truth, a labor of unbridled honesty!
For as long as I can remember I've always had the reputation of being the 'Sweet', thoughtful, delightful, loving and understanding kind of girl. And although at times this might had been true, there has also been another truth about me, I can be 'Bitter/Sweet'!!!
Throughout most my life I had never thought of myself as a 'career' woman. When asked what I wanted to be when I 'grew up', I never really had a good answer. I guess in my own way I knew, I just didn't know how to articulate it. As I grew older, I knew my main wish or goal in life was to grow up and become a wife and mother. I always felt that there was much to be said about being the 'heart of a home'. I've always had the whole 'loving and nurturing' thing down pat...what can I say...for some of us it just comes as natural as breathing! But even when I was old enough to put my aspirations to words I didn't for fear of judgement. After all, I was born into the 21st century!!!...A woman could be or do anything she put her mind to! Limiting that to being 'only' a wife and mother was and is still looked down upon in most circles. So, like many others off to college I went joining ranks with the people that were 'making something of themselves'.
Putting aside the whole 'judgement' part...in today's world I do understand it is next to impossible for a family to survive on only one income...and so like my many peers I too work full time...joining my husband in running the rat race for that pay check at the end of the week!
Most might read this and be thinking..."Well yeah Rebecca that's how life is supposed to be...both working f/t..both bringing in money...after all...these days things are 50/50!!!"
In my opinion, 'These days' are only a product of what WE have made them....I believe our forefathers were on to something! I think they placed more value on the family unit than the family bankbook and everything else money can buy. They didn't drive luxury vehicles, buy big expensive homes on credit, they didn't go on fancy trips...the father worked and the mother stayed home... life was simple, maybe less stressful?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not against having money or nice things...I'm not against women having a choice to work but it seems that 'choice' has been taken away and replaced with expectations. Where did my 'choice' go to enjoy being a homemaker?
I cannot have children so some would say that I would be a perfect 'shoe in' to be a 'career woman'...this does not make my fate easier to except! In fact, it has only attributed to making me become 'bitter'. The one and only thing I had ever aspired to be in life, turns out, will never be a possibility for me!!! (short of a miracle)
So where does this leave me? That's right...right here where I am...just a partner in running that rat race for money! Don't get me wrong, I have not worked harder at or enjoyed anything in life as much as I do my role as a wife! But there are times that I feel a glimmer of something I'm missing out on...perhaps some bigger picture or reason for my existence!
I can't even call myself a 'career woman' as I don't really consider my job in a factory a valid 'career choice'...it's more like a pit stop...a temporary home or a mean to an end.
On top of the grueling hours I put in at my '9-5', I also put in another good few hours at home fulfilling my 'wifely' duties, which I actually do or would enjoy if I wasn't so burnt out and dried up from working all day!
Somedays, I almost feel like I'm drowning but just managing to keep my head above water! This has become yet another source of my frustration and 'bitterness'.
I want to succeed at being a good wife, doing all the things around the home so that my husband has a comforting refuge to come home to. One with warmth and love...a clean house, clean clothes, good nutritious meals to eat and a wife that is 'sweet', happy, nurturing and loving.
Instead, many days he is greeted with a disgruntled, unhappy, unloving, nagging, 'bitter', hostile woman whom has no time to cook for him, has no desire to serve him and all in the name of...that's right...all leads back to that dollar sign $$$$$
So now, not only am I left without the choice of being a mother...I feel I am not even able to completely succeed at or enjoy my role as a wife...the two and only aspirations I've ever had!!!!
Sometimes I wonder why God has placed these hopes and aspirations onto my heart when they almost seem unrealistic even though they are so very basic!!
I have never considered myself to be world or street savvy...I don't have a lot of knowledge on a lot of things...what I do know however, is how to care for a family and how to make a house a home. Most whom know me, would say I am a very organized and detail oriented person. I enjoy shopping and baking, I get excited when I find, use and succeed at new recipes. I feel most in 'my element' when my house is clean, dishes are done, laundry is folded and put away smelling of bounce sheets, when our bed is freshly made and when my husband is happy and content feeling respected and being served! I also enjoy decorating our home for all the different seasons and holidays, making it look and smell just perfect! In short, there is nothing in my life that I have done in any sort of job that has given me more happiness, peace and sense of accomplishment than being a homemaker!!!
Something that a few may know about me, is that I tend to be a realist. I do understand, despite some of my disappointments, people looking in from the outside would tell me to 'buck up' or 'toughen up' as life doesn't always work out the way we plan it. Some may tell me to just appreciate the things I have and be thankful that I do have a decent paying job with a great benefit package. Maybe they would remind me to also be thankful that my husband and I are lucky to live in a nice house and that we are able to each have our own vehicle. And I do totally understand that and appreciate that for what it is and believe you me I am thankful for all of our many blessings. But since this is my blog and my post, I thought I'd give my readers a bit of insight into my heart, to see through my eyes and be able to better understand me for who I am.
Something that a few may know about me, is that I tend to be a realist. I do understand, despite some of my disappointments, people looking in from the outside would tell me to 'buck up' or 'toughen up' as life doesn't always work out the way we plan it. Some may tell me to just appreciate the things I have and be thankful that I do have a decent paying job with a great benefit package. Maybe they would remind me to also be thankful that my husband and I are lucky to live in a nice house and that we are able to each have our own vehicle. And I do totally understand that and appreciate that for what it is and believe you me I am thankful for all of our many blessings. But since this is my blog and my post, I thought I'd give my readers a bit of insight into my heart, to see through my eyes and be able to better understand me for who I am.
