Picture Updates...

Dillon - Sittin' pretty for the picture hoping for a treat!! 

Dillon - Sketch

Dillon

Dillon bein' a ham for the camera

Maddy & Dillon 2011

The Bitter Sweet Me...

I've been working on this piece for about two weeks now, which I might add is the longest time I've ever spent creating one of my posts.  You see, usually I think of something I would like to write and I just do it.  It's usually easy, the words just seem to come to me in a fluent flow.  Unfortunately, this post has not been as easy for me.  This one has been like an empty canvass that I keep creating, perfecting, scratching out, only to start from scratch again.  It's been quite a labor of love, a labor of truth, a labor of unbridled honesty!

For as long as I can remember I've always had the reputation of being the 'Sweet', thoughtful, delightful, loving and understanding kind of girl.  And although at times this might had been true,  there has also been another truth about me, I can be 'Bitter/Sweet'!!!

Throughout most my life I had never thought of myself as a 'career' woman.  When asked what I wanted to be when I 'grew up', I never really had a good answer.  I guess in my own way I knew,  I just didn't know how to articulate it.  As I grew older, I knew my main wish or goal in life was to grow up and become a wife and mother.  I always felt that there was much to be said about being the 'heart of a home'.  I've always had the whole 'loving and nurturing' thing down pat...what can I say...for some of us it just comes as natural as breathing!  But even when I was old enough to put my aspirations to words I didn't for fear of judgement.  After all, I was born into the 21st century!!!...A woman could be or do anything she put her mind to! Limiting that to being 'only' a wife and mother was and is still looked down upon in most circles.  So, like many others off to college I went joining ranks with the people that were 'making something of themselves'.

Putting aside the whole 'judgement' part...in today's world I do understand it is next to impossible for a family to survive on only one income...and so like my many peers I too work full time...joining my husband in running the rat race for that pay check at the end of the week!

Most might read this and be thinking..."Well yeah Rebecca that's how life is supposed to be...both working f/t..both bringing in money...after all...these days things are 50/50!!!"

In my opinion, 'These days' are only a product of what WE have made them....I believe our forefathers were on to something!  I think they placed more value on the family unit than the family bankbook and everything else money can buy.  They didn't drive luxury vehicles, buy big expensive homes on credit, they didn't go on fancy trips...the father worked and the mother stayed home... life was simple, maybe less stressful?

Don't get me wrong,  I'm not against having money or nice things...I'm not against women having a choice to work but it seems that 'choice' has been taken away and replaced with expectations.  Where did my 'choice' go to enjoy being a homemaker?  

I cannot have children so some would say that I would be a perfect 'shoe in' to be a 'career woman'...this does not make my fate easier to except!  In fact, it has only attributed to making me become 'bitter'.  The one and only thing I had ever aspired to be in life, turns out, will never be a possibility for me!!! (short of a miracle)

So where does this leave me?  That's right...right here where I am...just a partner in running that rat race for money!  Don't get me wrong, I have not worked harder at or enjoyed anything in life as much as I do my role as a wife!  But there are times that I feel a glimmer of something I'm missing out on...perhaps some bigger picture or reason for my existence!

I can't even call myself a 'career woman' as I don't really consider my job in a factory a valid 'career choice'...it's more like a pit stop...a temporary home or a mean to an end.

On top of the grueling hours I put in at my '9-5', I also put in another good few hours at home fulfilling my 'wifely' duties, which I actually do or would enjoy if I wasn't so burnt out and dried up from working all day!

Somedays, I almost feel like I'm drowning but just managing to keep my head above water!  This has become yet another source of my frustration and 'bitterness'.

I want to succeed at being a good wife, doing all the things around the home so that my husband has a comforting refuge to come home to. One with warmth and love...a clean house, clean clothes, good nutritious meals to eat and a wife that is 'sweet', happy, nurturing and loving.

Instead, many days he is greeted with a disgruntled, unhappy, unloving, nagging, 'bitter', hostile woman whom has no time to cook for him, has no desire to serve him and all in the name of...that's right...all leads back to that dollar sign $$$$$

So now, not only am I left without the choice of being a mother...I feel I am not even able to completely succeed at or enjoy my role as a wife...the two and only aspirations I've ever had!!!!

Sometimes I wonder why God has placed these hopes and aspirations onto my heart when they almost seem unrealistic even though they are so very basic!!

I have never considered myself to be world or street savvy...I don't have a lot of knowledge on a lot of things...what I do know however, is how to care for a family and how to make a house a home. Most whom know me, would say I am a very organized and detail oriented person.  I enjoy shopping and baking, I get excited when I find, use and succeed at new recipes.  I feel most in 'my element' when my house is clean, dishes are done, laundry is folded and put away smelling of bounce sheets, when our bed is freshly made and when my husband is happy and content feeling respected and being served!  I also enjoy decorating our home for all the different seasons and holidays, making it look and smell just perfect!  In short, there is nothing in my life that I have done in any sort of job that has given me more happiness, peace and sense of accomplishment than being a homemaker!!!

Something that a few may know about me, is that I tend to be a realist.  I do understand, despite some of my  disappointments, people looking in from the outside would tell me to 'buck up' or 'toughen up' as life doesn't always work out the way we plan it.  Some may tell me to just appreciate the things I have and be thankful that I do have a decent paying job with a great benefit package.  Maybe they would remind me to also be thankful that my husband and I are lucky to live in a nice house and that we are able to each have our own vehicle.  And I do totally understand that and appreciate that for what it is and believe you me I am thankful for all of our many blessings.  But since this is my blog and my post, I thought I'd give my readers a bit of insight into my heart, to see through my eyes and be able to better understand me for who I am.

Memorable Moments...

So it's a new year...a great time to reflect upon my past 'new beginnings' and what better way to kick that off than by preparing to celebrate my fifth year wedding anniversary!!!

Sometimes I just can't believe how fast time seems to fly.  It feels like only yesterday I was busy running around like any crazy, frantic, excited and 'pressed for time' bride.  All of the time, money and effort going into that one special day....our special day that we will forever hold near and dear to our hearts!

As days have faded into months and months into years we have undoubtedly had our fair share of ups and downs, tips and turveys....but, we have remained strong in our love and in our commitments to each-other despite the chaos and mayhem that life tends to lend.

It has been said that 'wood' is a great gift for this milestone anniversary as it represents strength and a solidified relationship.  It is also known for 'silverware' representing connectedness.  You may think I am telling you this with the anticipation or expectation of gifts...this is certainly not my intent!  Rather, I was intrigued by the symbolism and felt it was worthy of mention.

I would like to thank my husband Kevin for being my best friend in all ways everyday, for putting up with me on days that I wouldn't want to put up with myself,  for being a listening ear, a shoulder to lean and cry on and a soul mate in every other sense of the word!!!

I made this just for you hunny...I want you to know that you are definitely 'Still The One'!!! <3

 

New Year...New Beginnings...

One thing I have always liked about the start of a new year is the ability to start fresh.  Being able to put the past year, worries, cares and regrets behind us while pushing forward toward bigger and better things, a clean slate, a  New Beginning!

This year, it is my personal goal or 'resolution' to 'Pray More, Forgive More, Serve More, Live More, Laugh More, & Love More' 

Even if I only accomplish half of this list, I am sure that myself and those closest to me will benefit.

My hope for this year is that I will learn how to create an even balance between work & home without burning myself out, without nagging at my husband, without feeling completely defeated and tired all the time.  Maybe I need to lessen my expectations of myself and those around me and start to make realistic ones that aren't as demanding.  If I can do this and make everyone a bit happier...it will be well worth the effort!

Reflecting on 2010...

Well now that Christmas has come and gone, it's once again time to prepare to bring in another new year!  For some this may be the beginning of some new resolution or regime.  For others it is merely another year to embark on.  I have never been one to make resolutions or goals initiated by this time of year.  In-fact 'New Years' has always been one of trepidation for me.  I don't know why 'change' in and of itself strikes me as troublesome but it always has.  I guess I'm the type of person that just likes things to stay the same.  I would absolutely love it if we could just slow time down..minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years seem to just fly by way too fast!! 

 I'm sure if we were able to, even if there were a cost, it would be the hottest commodity on the market!!!  

My 2010 will always be a memorable year as this past March was my first time being on an airplane...first time going on vacation...first time in CUBA!!! :-)) Thanks to my awesome parents <3 

This past year was also filled with new things...such as a new 2006 Pontiac Torrent that my husband and I bought.  We also sold my minivan and bought a car for me to drive.

2010 marked my step-daughter, Maddy's graduation from Kindergarten to Grade 1...her Daddy and I are so proud of how far she has come...she is now learning to read and write!!! :-)

A new member was also brought into my husband's side of the family, Nathan McCarnan was born July 11th of this year!

This year my husband's Nana was Baptized and it was very special to be able to witness it!!!

  This year, I also created 'Rebecca's Reflections' not only as an outlet to sound off my thoughts, but as an attempt to become more open, honest and real about myself and what matters to me.  I hope those of you who frequent my blog feel even just a bit closer to me through my writings.

Thank you to all of my regular readers for caring enough to take the time out of your lives to read my reflections.

From my heart to yours, I wish you a Very Happy & Blessed New Year filled with plenty of memorable moments, new beginnings and inconceivable love!!!  

Making Traditions...

When we think of the word 'tradition' most of us revert back to our childhood, some long-ago ritual or routine that held a special meaning for us.  For some, they may think about times like Christmas and the festivities that their families participated in every year that made the holiday special for them.  Like picking out a real tree together and cutting it down.  For others dragging it out of the garage and setting it up (like me)...and maybe even a Christmas Eve tradition of which movies are watched...which stories are read.  Others might think about how they had taken their childhood traditions and somehow made them new for their own families.

My husband and I don't have very many 'traditions' only two that I can think of.  Every year on or around January 28th we head back to the restaurant that held our wedding reception 'El Stavros' to enjoy an anniversary meal together.  We do have one Christmas tradition and that is every year around this time we pick one evening and he will take me to one of my favorite restaurants 'Swiss Chalet' to enjoy their traditional festive special and then we grab coffee and hot chocolate and head to Scugog Rd. to see all the Christmas lights.  This is something that has become a necessary part of our Christmas routine.

Today, I am thinking about the idea of creating or making new traditions and this is something I have recently already begun to do!

Every Friday after work I come home and get ready to head down to my best friend Jessica's house.  Her husband is a truck driver that drives team with his best friend and they are on the road all week long.  So in celebration of their return every Friday her and I (mostly her)...throw together a big meal with all the trimmings.  We talk about our weeks, we laugh, we joke...this brings us together and it's something that I personally look forward to every week!

Another new tradition this year will be incorporating my step-daughter Maddy into our dinner out and drive to see Christmas lights, as I think she is now old enough to stay awake in the car long enough to enjoy them!

I am a huge fan of 'tradition'...maybe because I tend to disagree with change...or maybe it's because I am a very 'traditional' type of person.  Either way, a change of ritual or routine that makes more time for friends & family and makes our moments with them more special, is a tradition I'm willing to make!

T'was the Month before Christmas

Twas the month before Christmas

When all through our land,

Not a Christian was praying

Nor taking a stand.

See the PC Police had taken away

The reason for Christmas - no one could say.

The children were told by their schools not to sing

About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.

It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say

December 25th is just a ' Holiday '.

Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit

Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!

CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-Pod

Something was changing, something quite odd!

Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa

In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.

As Targets were hanging their trees upside down

At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.

At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears

You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.

Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty

Are words that were used to intimidate me.

Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen

On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton !

At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter

To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.

And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith

Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace

The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded

The reason for the season, stopped before it started.

So as you celebrate 'Winter Break' under your 'Dream Tree'

Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.

Choose your words carefully, choose what you say

Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS ,

not Happy Holiday !

Please, all Christians join together and

wish everyone you meet

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Christ is The Reason for the Christ-mas Season!

A 'Paws' In Communication...

Today I am coming to a 'Paws' to reflect upon one of the most important aspects of marriage...'Communication'.

Why does it seem that before marriage we are more capable of successfully communicating with each-other; but after marriage all communication seems to breakdown?

Often, I believe the answer can be found within our 'emotions'.  Before marriage we felt one over-powering emotion....love.  But now the emotions of hurt, anger, disappointment, resentment and fear often dominate.  These emotions do not encourage us to communicate.  Or, if we do it is likely to be critical. 

Sometimes our emotions cause us to speak out of anger and create even more negative feelings.  I guess the key is learning how to share emotions without the hurtful connotation of  condemnation, while still being able to share whats on our hearts openly with the person we love.

To do this, it takes tremendous amounts of patience and self-discipline.  Some-days, more than I think I could ever possibly posses!

I guess the thing to remember is that no one is a 'mind reader'.  Without positive communication, loving relationships cannot flourish!

Stress is another aiding factor that works to further breakdown our communication.  If we are not at peace within ourselves...how much more can we bring into our relationships?  When we are stressed or disappointed in life, oddly it's much easier for us to take it out on the person with whom we are closest to.  Probably because we all know that no one else has to listen or care as much about us or our feelings.

I believe the solution to these problems are finding ways in which we can resolve conflict quickly and calmly leaving both people feeling loved, heard, validated and understood!  There are many ways to go about attaining information on conflict resolution, one of my favorite resources can be found here.